Oh, y’all. I am such a mess. There is a continual, dull throb in my head and my back feels as though it’s just itchin’ to cause trouble. I feel fat and icky and tired… I don’t know why, I’ve been sleeping more than I ever have in my entire life. I look like one of those totally beat down women from the 1800’s who worked in a factory round the clock and then died of consumption. Everyday I prove to myself and the world that, yes, I CAN look worse. I did throw some color in my hair so there’s that.. But all I want to do is lay around, maybe eat a little something…. ugh, I feel like a garden slug. And, for whatever reason, I can’t pick up a book. I say to myself, “Why don’t you read one of your favorites on your Ipad?” I’ll tell you why, I don’t want to, that’s why. Oh, my word and the garbage videos I have been watching seemingly nonstop would totally gross you out. I have been watching everything from a little girl screaming and crying when she’s told MacDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut and all other crap food places are closed due to the Rona virus and now she has to eat (gasp) her mother’s cooking. She so bugs me. I’ll tell you what, she’d starve in my house. She shouldn’t be eating all that garbage anyway. I am, and can, watch over and over (I wish I could put it on loop) the video of Kristen Bell crying and sobbing with happiness because she’s about to meet a sloth… her favorite animal since she was a little girl. Insert 😂emoji. And how about all those videos of people getting their Amazon packages stolen off their front porches by skinny, ratchet looking white girls? Makes you think twice about hitting the “add to cart” button. What else? Oh! Videos of the Graham Norton Show. Side splitting, laugh out loud funny. I’ve watched the entire series of Grace and Frankie… several times. Have y’all seen the Scottish Granny video? Oh my goodness, she’s positively yummy! I cannot stop watching or laughing at the two corgis snarling and barking at each other. It’s all so silly. Thus far, however, my all time favorite is the video of two rats literally fighting each other on a market shelf in some third world country with a sportscaster doing the voice over. I actually cackle every time I watch it; I can imagine my father, who is in the Amazon jungle in the sky, throwing his head back and laughing with me. Two days later I must return to my original video love… baby goats in pajamas. Melts my angry, bored, black heart. Since I can’t seem to get up and get my act together, I thought I’d bake the easiest cake on the planet. Here it is.
The base is a box mix (Huzzah! Huzzah!) and has been a family favorite for years. It’s not in the least what one would think of as an “Easter” cake. But this isn’t just any Easter, is it now? No, this is the cake you bake when you can’t think straight, when the world is upside down… when the killer hurricane you’ve been dreading and waiting on stalls off the coast and parks its sorry ass over water or, in this case, a world wide pandemic causing fear to grip our hearts with its cold, bony hand of death. This cake, though… mmm, mmm, yass.
Box Mix Chocolate Fudge Caramel Poke Cake
- 1 15.25-ounce box Duncan Hines chocolate fudge cake mix
- 1 3.9-ounce box chocolate pudding
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 cup cold, strong coffee, leftover from morning is absolutely fine
- 3/4 cup plain Greek yoghurt or sour cream
- 4 large eggs
- 1/2 cup vegetable oil
- 1/2 cup butter, melted
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1 14-ounce jar caramel topping (found in the ice cream topping section at grocery store)
- 1 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk
- Pre-heat oven to 350°. Grease with shortening one of the following: one 10-inch bundt pan, 2 8-inch cake pans, one 11×7 baking dish. Set aside.
- In a large bowl, whisk cake mix, pudding and salt.
- In a separate, medium size bowl, mix coffee, yoghurt, eggs, oil, butter and vanilla until all ingredients are completely incorporated and mixture is smooth.
- Pour batter into greased baking dish and bake 45-55 minutes for bundt cake, 30-35 minutes for 8-inch rounds or 36-40 minutes for an 11×7 cake. When cake tester comes out with only a few crumbs and no wet batter, cake is done.
- Cool cake completely in baking dish. Using the handle of a wooden spoon, poke holes all over cake, down to the bottom of the pan, taking care not to tear cake.
- Pour caramel and condensed milk over cake. Cover with plastic wrap and set aside cake overnight to soak up caramel and milk.
- Invert cake onto serving platter and serve.
- Cover and refrigerate any leftovers.